Inane ramblings aside, one thing I don't like is terrible OC's. Go figure. Sure hope I don't end up reading a fanfic starring one of those. Today's fanfiction is Corpse twist, by ChsisAnialation:
Takes place in the anime. Vandra Crest has fallen in the unrelenting hell of "Heavenly" Host Elementary along with the others. He will be faced with blood and death. If he survives, then will it change who else survive?
On the one hand, that name is already screaming 'fake special', on the other... Vandra apparently is a real name. Fair enough, but I'm also pretty damn sure neither that or the surname is Japanese. Vandra is also apparently a female name.
Quick note before I get into the story itself: I'm more familiar with the game, and as such I may misremember how the anime depicted a few things. That said, Most of the changes would occur after 'chapter 1' from what I remember, so I promise my critiques totally still apply!
"She opens the door really slow and peaks her head in and will ask "Is anyone still here?"." My horror fetish friend continues as I wake up.
...Odd way to start a story, really.
-There is a knock at the door. What door you ask? Surely you would know if you watched the anime or played the game. No need to establish the scenery at all, obviously-
"Is it just me or did you hear someone knock?" I ask with a yawn. I still haven't moved from my position. I can't be scared easily.
I can already tell you'll be an endearing character in this horror setting.
I do not excel in fighting, but I excel in evasive combat. I have strength and evasive skills.
In other words, you excel in fighting, Sir Humbebrag.
Actually the only other one I know is Mayu, Satoshi, Seiko and his sister Yuka. Last names mean nothing to me.
"I couldn't be bothered remembering or googling the full names of the characters, so here's a list of names I vaguely recall". Boy I sure am liking Vandra's personality so far. He's so chill and cool and awesome!
Also, your list is a bit out of order here, man. Unless Seiko is now a man and you made Yuka their sister instead.
The three invited me here. Can't really recall their names. The story teller is dubbed Horror Fetish. By me. (Seriously. Has anyone else forgot the name of a friend and made it awkward or is it just me?)
Gonna take a wild guess and say just you, buddy.
"Well it really can't be scary if it is about a elementary school. Only thing scary is how the kids are treated like angels while I was treated like crap by the teachers
You may commence rolling your eyes at this throwaway establishment of "waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh muh past".
I can't believe little kids don't get in as much trouble as us." I state blandly.
Well, at least the author is aware of how Vandra is coming across so far.
The candle dies into nothing. It is now hard to see. The others start to scream like little bitches as I make myself comfortable on the floor by laying down on my back.
OMG SO BADASS
-One super witty quip about the classroom being empty later-
The light turns on showing teacher Yui Shishido. "Smart mouth." She complains looking directly at me. I shrug.
Man, the coolness is just too much. This OC is way too likeable.
"Brother!" The little girl I like to pick on calls running in.
"Yuka?" Satoshi says confused.
I grin. I stand up. "Well well well. If it isn't my short friend."
Can someone tell me why Vandra knows a girl who, despite being 14, both looks and acts half her age? She's Satoshi's little sister, but not even his friends really knew her before showing up here.
Also, 'my short friend' is about the blandest thing you could say, dude.
I am still carrying the same grin. She starts to grin after Satoshi whispers something to her. "I don't like that look."
"Oh it's nothing Vandra Crest." She says through giggles.
I'm guessing Satoshi finally told her what his name was and she cannot stop laughing at how stupid it sounds.
"I didn't know Satoshi has a teacher." I think Naomi says.
The others agree. "I didn't tell you guys?" Satoshi questions.
I promise I haven't skipped a line here. We jump straight from Yuka giggling to something about Satoshi's teacher? Who is Yui Shishido, the teacher for everyone present except Yuka? I'm rather lost here.
"Let's do a ritual to be friends forever!" I think Ayumi suggests.
And this sort of comes out of nowhere when you completely excise the 'Mayu is moving away really soon' line. At least it gives more examples of Vandra being a dick via narration.
Another perfect chance! "There is no virgins for the sacrifice though." I immediately regret it as I am chased around the room by the girls. "It was just a joke!"
Hahaha... oh, that Vandra. Such a gifted comedian. Much like myself and my snappy snarking.
-Apparently this chase lasts a full half hour-
"OK! Ready." Everyone gathers. "This is called Sachiko Ever After! We each grab a piece of this paper and think in our head "Sachiko we beg of you" 10 times then pull it apart." Ayumi(?) explains.
I'm honestly surprised the ritual's steps remain intact here, to be honest.
I nod my head in understanding. "Let's do this my friends." I encourage.
"Especially those of you whose names I have no desire to remember or learn in any way. Let us be connected for all eternity, my valued classmates I happen to be in the same room as."
-Because I am nice, I won't show him writing 'Sachiko we beg of you' ten times in a single sentence. I am a merciful being-
"Thank you Ayumi!" Mayu thanks.
"Is she going to die Brother?" Yuka asks.
Well that sure was random, Yuka. Well, given that the author didn't bother to explain the context of the ritual, it's a fair enough question.
-Suddenly an earthquake. As Vandra can't get under a desk without it moving away, I guess lying in the centre of the room is a decent enough alternative. What are the odds of the ceiling falling on top of you, anyway?-
The quake stops suddenly. "That was quick." Naomi comments. I am in the middle of everyone. "Are you going to move anytime soon?"
I laugh a bit. "Nope! Plan on sleeping right here tonight."
"Lazy bum." Yuki giggles out.
"Hahaha, for all we know a portion of the school collapsed and are lucky to be alive!"
The floor breaks under us all suddenly. "Aaahhhhh!" Everyone screams while I grab for a ledge silently. I miss by a long shot.
I am honestly surprised he wasn't able to easily grab the ledge, front flip back up, and then somehow catch everyone before they fall. I guess it's a nice surprise.
I open my eyes yawning. "Nice nap." I look around at a raggedy classroom. Naomi is trying to wake Seiko up. Seems she hasn't noticed me yet.
Let's see if I can keep it that way. I would like to see how they react.
So your first instinct, upon waking up from a presumably large fall into an unfamiliar shithole of a classroom, is to potentially scare a girl who not only went through a similar fall, but is trying to wake up her best friend who could have easily died from said fall.
Vandra is such a likeable person.
A cold chill runs down my spine. I turn around putting up a defensive pose.
There stands a little girl with hair covering her face. She gives me a feeling that I hate: hate.
Ah, yes, hate. I hate feeling hate. Hate only harbours more hate, you know? We need less hate in the world so we can stop hating hate so much. I hate devoting all my time to hating hate, because it could be better spent loving lobe.
I frown. "I don't like this feeling girl. Get away kid." A warning shouts in my mind, so I jump aside avoiding a desk crashing through the half the wall. The girl disappears into thin air.
Of course he has fucking Spider Sense as well.
-Naomi and Seiko notice him and they leave the classroom-
We walk into the halls with me on the side observing the place. Seems to be a elementary school. A paper says Heavenly Host Elementary school.
I shrug at the useless information. So what? That thing I saw was not from heaven. That's for sure.
Because the one thing I would do when stuck in an unfamiliar location, is to completely dismiss all clues to its' location. As if anyone needs to know that.
I kick the doors. Doesn't move. "Oh hell no." I say. I pull them instead getting the same exact outcome. "Come on! That kid has to have something to do with this!" I accuse.
Again, genuinely surprised he isn't smashing the walls down right now.
"By the way Naomi. Patch up your ankle. I noticed you keep limping everywhere."
"I'll fix it up." Seiko offers.
Because of course only Vandra would notice such a thing. Not the girl supporting Naomi while they walk.
I finally see I still have my paper in my pocket. I pull it out. I look it over. It looks normal enough.
I shove it back in my pocket. A whole paper is in my other pocket. I pull it out. Seiko walks out. "I'm heading out to look for my piece. Later."
"I also heard Yuka crying earlier, but meh. Looking for a piece of paper I do not yet know is vitally important is way more worth my time."
I nod. I look over the paper. It is my science paper about rocks. Actually my friend Jasmine's paper.
What an... odd mistake to make?
She hates the teacher and school so much that she written rock as every word. I am dead serious!
Man, just look at all that hatred. Writing a single word over and over is just so edgy and extreme man.
Good to know this Jasmine person is equally as likeable as Vandra. Still has an out-of-place name for a presumably-Japanese schoolgirl, though.
Not many like her. She is by far my favorite part of school. Let's face it. My other friends aren't in my other classes.
What other friends? Are we pretending you actually like the other characters? You literally just said they're inferior to this previously unmentioned girl.
"Technically she has to give me a grade."
I chuckled at her. "Go for it."
"Actually, can you turn this in tomorrow?" She asked.
Boy that sure was necessary and engaging. Never mind that you summarised that entire exchange a few sentences before this flashback,
Naomi rips open the door and falls to the otherside of the hall. I look in the room. I fall back in horror. A black mist with evil eyes! "Come here Saa-chan."
It goes closer. I jump in front of Naomi. "Go screw yourself! This girl is under my protection!" I state to the thing. It fades away into nothing. "Good."
You did an excellent job protecting her by standing outside the infirmary, while Naomi screams, runs around the room, and tries to burn the hair off the door. How the hell did you miss all that?
"Go away!" She yells.
"Sorry I let it not kill you. Good day jerk." I then walk away down the hall. I walk into the bathroom then lay against the wall.
Yeah, you sure were vital in making sure Naomi survived, Vandra. What with you... having the world's dumbest flashback, while Naomi had to rescue herself. Thank god you're the main character. I can't imagine how this scene would play out otherwise!
A kid with no top head walks in and sits next to me. Being I saw a picture of this before, I don't care. "What's up mister?" It innocently asks.
I've seen some messed up stuff in pictures too. Doesn't mean it's any less terrifying when a headless ghost walks up to you. And speaks. Even though she cannot speak. Because she is headless. Specifically, from the jaw up.
It's not even a telepathy thing. This ghost explicitly can't communicate beyond gurgly moans.
I laugh a bit. "Have you tried to save a person, but they just throw you away as if you are trash?" I ask.
Gee, I wonder why someone wouldn't want to be around you.
I sigh. "No. I have been cast away by many in my life time. People tried to kill me before. Since I have always excelled in evasive combat, I never was. That is why I must get back to Jasmine." I tell the kid.
What even IS 'evasive combat'? I mean, it sounds self-explanatory, but even goddamn Jackie Chan takes a few hits now and again! I'd also ask why people have wanted him dead, but... really, if I couldn't guess after reading this much, I'd be pretty damn dense.
"Your love for her floors you right?" He guesses bored.
I grin. "I'm afraid she'll write all pebbles for science instead of rocks."
"She did that!?" He asks excitedly. "Show me!"
Just a reminder that this is a ghost of a...9? 10-year old girl who was horribly mutilated and murdered, and not only roams the school in constant, agonising pain, but is also left unable to speak due to a lack of head and tongue, and no doubt gave no fucks about what some random idiot wrote in a school report several years above her level. And is also almost always stuck in 'kill the living' mode on top of that.
"Wow! You have no love for her, but you need to get this turned in for her in fear of her hating you?" I nod. "That is a first! For that, I will let you live longer." He says handing it back.
So merciful. Let him live longer in a school with no food or clean water, and is stalked by several murderous ghosts and at least one super strong monstrosity.
I'd give points for the subtle evil there if that was anything remotely in-character for Tokiko to do.
-Tokiko the ghost disappears-
Seiko runs in with a rope. I rip it out of her hands and throw it. I wrap her in a hug full of meaning. That she is able to go on.
It's a good thing you knew exactly what she was planning to do. Even though this is not at all what happened in the story, but somehow I doubt the author paid attention to that bit.
(And even if Seiko planned to kill herself, the author had so kindly omitted the actual reasoning for this to happen anyway. Whoops!)
-The two argue over Seiko's desire to kill herself, with Vandra being totally badass and heartless for the sake of his 'friend'-
I punch her gut causing her to kneel over in pain. "Wrong answer." I state crying inside. Outside I am cold and in charge. A form I hate performing.
Then stop being a dick 24/7 if you hate it so much. Now, I'm no psychologist, but if someone were planning to kill themselves in front of me, I think one of my last options would be to beat them up over it. Dunno why, but it just feels counter-productive...
"Kill me already." She says. "Before this darkness consumes me."
"Darkness can only consume the weak. If you are weak, you are no friend of mine." I state darkly.
Good to know you care. Now stop talking like some shonen anti-hero and be a likeable goddamn person already.
She is in my grasp. I broke through that shell. "My friends are all strong willed to the end. No. Matter. What." I point to her face. "You acting like total bitch!"
"I am not!" She wails. Darkness starts to surround her.
She really isn't, honestly. Also, huh, the Darkening. Didn't expect that to be used. Well, let's see how it's handl-
"Then prove the will that I can be proud of when I hear Seiko!"
Everything lights in the room from her body. All shadows die in its presence even going as far as screeching.
...Well that was delightfully easy.
All of a sudden the rope I tossed raps around her whole body by a boy with no tongue. I stare in horror as it raps so far it rips her to twenty different pieces. Blood splatters all over my shirt and face. Adding the entire room.
...And that was randomly sudden.
She could have been the best thing in this hell. I never cared for little kids. This forces me to fully hate these kids here.
I can tell that the hatred seethes from your being. Just reading that statement riles my blood. Hear my anguished roar.
The boy zips at me so fast, untrained people would be so screwed. I grab his face and use the momentum to swing him around and break to the floor below.
...Where the fuck do you get 'clothesline a ghost so hard you smash it through the floor' training?!
AND WHY DOES SUCH AN AWESOME CONCEPT GET WASTED ON THIS HORRIBLE STORY GAAAAHHHHH
I drop to my knees in front of Seiko's remains. I proceed to press my hands together. I believe there is some kind of God figure, however I refuse to worship some person that might be the last of some other race of super beings.
The door opens showing a crying Naomi. "What happened!? Seikoooooooooooooo!" She cries out on agony.
Oh yeah Naomi you were supposed to be here, huh? Well, uh, have fun with the splattered remains of your plotline! ...Oh, uh, sorry, I didn't mean... yeeaaahhhh... moving on...
-Vandra leaves Naomi to cry, claims they'll be trauamtised despite being uber ultra badass, and comes across Ayumi and Yoshiki-
A wide demonic smirk rounds on their faces. "Well Mayu is splattered on the wall! It gave me so wet that I had to fuck this blond hunk here!" The demon girl laughs evilly.
I clap. They both look at me like I am the one that just made that lewd comment.
Oh so they're rolling their eyes and sighing dramatically, too?
"As much as I would like to talk about what turns you on, I have to find Satoshi and Yuka." I go to leave, but stop. "Burn in hell for your trickery demons."
Oh man, so badass. I wonder what his next action is!
A howl of anger triggers my legs into overdrive. Gotta go fast. Crest gotta go fast. Crest gotta go faster faster fa-fa-fa-fa-faster! I liked watching that show.
...Confirmation that this was a troll fic all along? Huh. Well, let's see if the author's note has anything to say for this, uh... thing.
Cliff hanger? I have no clue to make one. Soooooo. Thisis my first horror story.
Phew. That was an ordeal. And pretty awful, honestly. Let's compile a small laundry list of issues I have...
2) Horrible characterisation
4) Out of place horrible backstory, which is pretty impressive for a horror setting.
6) Removing/changing important scenes and thus eliminate a lot of context behind certain actions
7) THE HELL KIND OF NAME IS VANDRA FOR A JAPANESE HIGH SCHOOLER
It honestly feels like no effort was put into this work. I wanna be mad, but slipping in the Sonic meme makes me wonder if it was just a troll fic all along. Well, that and the clothesline. It's hard to take a horror seriously when you do that to a ghost.
Ah well. back to making myself feel better.