Friday, 18 November 2016

Dragon Ball F Kai: My Titles Are So Witty

So hey, Super's finally getting a dub. That's neat. Still waiting for the rest of Kai to be dubbed though, but I'm sure Funi's getting right on that. Maybe. Probably. Well, putting my aversion to Japanese Goku's voice aside, I suppose I can spend my wait reading dome DBZ fanfics.

Dragon Ball F by Legend of light, is a story about Goku having a twin, which will drastically alter the story of DBZ. I guess?

What if Goku had a had a twin sister that was older than him by 9 minutes. How will this change the entire story? How will this affect Gohan, Goku, Chichi and the rest of the Z-fighters? How can this change affect the entire DBZ universe find out on Dragon Ball F. Current saga: Saiyan Saga

I'm torn between wondering why this OC is specifically nine minutes older than Goku, and wanting Kyle Hebert to narrate this summary. Which is repeated within the chapter itself for some reason.

Welp, time for some Act 1: Origins Part 1.

24 years ago.Planet Vegeta.Two newborn babies who are born with a tail are laying around on there incubators crying loudly.

Setting up early for that movie about Broly and his older-by-nine-minutes twin sister, I see.

They are fraternal twins one is a boy named Kakarot and the other is a girl named Fasha. 

So one of Bardock's buddies is now his daughter. 'Kay then.

"What is their power level?" asked a old man with a large nose in a doctors coat.
"The boys power level is 5 while the girls power level is 15."said the second man.

I'm sure you Dragonball fans just screamed in hot-blooded rage at those sentences. And I can see why. Everyone knows that Baby Goku's power level was two!

Just then then the first old man received a written order from King Vegeta in there scouters which is a device on there eye.

Boy am I glad those scouters were fully described. I had no idea what they were, what they looked like, how they function, what they're supposed to do... all of this has been properly exposited in a natural way.

"We got orders from King Vegeta to send them to a Planet called Earth it is rare that we send two babies to a planet but in this case since they are twins we have to send them together and the king knows that for some reason" said the first old man.


Knows what for some reason? That Bardock had twins? That twins are supposed to conquer planets together? That doing so is rare to begin with?

The first old man puts Fasha being the oldest of the twins in her pod and prepare her for transport buy putting in the coordinates and supplying enough milk for the trip. Likewise the second old man does the same for Kakarot.

...The thought occurs to me: How the hell do Saiyans survive the trip anywhere in those pods? All they can do is sit in it for however long the trip is; where's the food and water?

As the two babies are sent towards Earth, trouble awaits there father. As he prepares to fight the diabolical tyrant named Frieza, the tyrant uses his death ball to destroy the warrior and the planet behind him.

Barely seven sentences ago, it was established that Bardock was on Planet Meat. How long did it take to prepare those pods?

-Kakarot lands on Earth two months later and cries-

A old man named Gohan who was a famous martial artist he was the winmer of the 18 and 19 world martial arts tournament and lost to King Chappa in the 20th world martial arts tournament.

...Uh, right. Good to know all of that suddenly. What about it?

And he was walking through the forest when all of a sudden he hears a loud cry echo through the woods.

This caused the grumpy old man's power level to shoot right up to 10000.

"You boy! have the cry of a warrior you are going to be called Goku and I will raise you like if you were my grandchild you will receive excellent care under me."

Exactly what I would say if I saw a tailed boy crying next to an alien spaceship. ...Snarking this scene is hard to do when I don't think it was all that different from canon, really.

Now Goku in the beginning gives him a lot of trouble, despite the kindness of Gohan, but later Kakarot bumps his head down a cliff and the server head trauma causes him to forget about destroying Earth and becomes a caring loving boy.

Well, glad to have that extremely sparse recap of Goku's backstory. So far, the only difference is that Goku started off about twice as strong as he did in canon. Which is much less impressive than you'd hope it is.

-And now for Fasha's landing-

Fasha pod lands a couple of miles away from the city of Winstar in the mountain areas. The pod has crash into the mountain before hitting the slope and rolling down into the ground then hitting the cliff and slaming five hundred feet into the ground destroying the pod on its final impact.

As well as the tiny body of the defenseless, powerless Saiyan. Poor thing never stood a chance.

Fasha is badly injured in the crash.

Bullshit she's 'seriously injured'!

She has server head trauma and other injuries through her body. the pod has been destroyed. She eventually begins to cry loudly from the injuries.

Or, I dunno... drool incessantly or twitch weakly as the last of her doomed life fades from this world?

-And then a doctor and social worker happen to be hiking nearby-

When they arrive at the source of the crying they see a baby girl who was naked inside a destroyed spacepod who was bleeding from her head and other part of the body.

""Jesus Christ I can see every one of her bones poking through her skin!" the doctor cried out in horror, as her husband recited a tearful prayer for the suffering infant."

"obviously this baby is alien but we cant leave it here." Said the man after seeing her tail

Is that really the only observation that comes to you right now?

"there, there you will be alright, you are right that is why we are going to raise it as are own child. We will name her Kari lets treat her for her injuries" said the woman.

It's nice that you had the frame of mind to adopt and name the alien baby that is probably bleeding internally, but seriously you might want to speed up the 'treat her injuries' part.


Kari has grown up since then and is now a twenty-four year old woman who has fought in numerous tournaments. She is a master in numerous of styles of martial arts including Aikido, Karate, Wing Chun, and others.

Figures she'd monopolise the cool-sounding fighting styles. I suppose Turtle Style and Crane Style weren't Ip Man enough for her.

Even though she loves to fight she has other hobbies as well, like every girl she likes to shop, and she loves gymnastics, she is also a woman of many secrets for example she had a tail that she keeps hidden.

Good job managing to do that for twenty-four whole years, I suppose?

Kari walks in the kitchen after the thirteen straight night with the same dream it is late at night and she has only slept an hour each night since she has started to have the dream about the man.

Yeah, those dreams are annoying. Look, I get it, there's someone I used to know, and for no reason I'm suddenly dreaming about them, but can I please get a full night's rest? ...Why is it preventing her from sleeping, exactly? It doesn't sound like a nightmare.

Kari grabbed a wineglass from the cupboard and then poured a glass of Red Wine. Kari knows she only drinks wine when she is upset.

I would hope Kari knows her own mannerisms. It would kind of make sense that she does, really.

'Maybe I should call Asuna or Jeriko?' Kari pondered.

Is it just me, or do names like Kari, Asuna and Jeriko just not fit within Dragonball's setting? Maybe I'm just too used to characters being named after underwear, vegetables or the fairy godmother's chant?

Asuna is her best friend, they were friends since they were little, they practice Wing Chan on a daily basis while its safe to say Kari is far better than anyone she faced and is much better than her at this point.

Well of course she is. Can't be Goku's older twin brother without being an instant combat expert.

-Kari goes to bed after pointing out she is better at Karate than Jeriko the Karate instructor-

As she sits on her bed she looks at a picture of her at 7 years old that she hasn't even shown Timothy.

Timothy, as the next sentence explains, is her fiancee (also she is better ai Aikido than Timothy). I have to wonder how he's missed this picture, given no special effort seems to have went into hiding it. Nor do I even know why it should be hidden.

'What would he say if he knew I had a tail I know he'd probably go crazy? What am I saying this is Timothy I'm talking about the man I still love but I'm on a mission to find who am I and where I come from.' Kari thought

Not really sure how those two thoughts connect but sure. Also, seriously, how can you manage to keep your tail hidden for this long from everyone?! there's no way in hell it never accidentally slipped out of your gi during a sparring match or something.

-And then it's the next day-

"Ok, I'll leave my month rent on the table as I'm going to West City" Kari said as she takes the mortgage payments for the next few months and put it into a envelope. "Maybe they might know who this person I keep dreaming about."

...Well this is kind of abrupt.

Kari took only a spare of clothes with her and a few drinks and a lot of canned goods and a box of plastic Forks, knives and spoons as well as some DynoCaps with her.

Is this a journey to learn your roots, or an overnight camping trip in the field behind your house?

She then walks outside and sees her friend Asuna. She places the envelope with the mortgage payment in her mail box and lifts the red tab. She then walks towards her friend.
"Asuna what are you doing here?" Kari asked.

"I inexplicably knew you were leaving so I sat out here all night to stop you."

"I know you know me since I was 8 but I'm going show you something I've never shown anyone" Kari said.
"And what is that?" Asuna asked
"This" Kari said as she went into the back of her pants and pulls her tail out.

...'went into the back of her pants'? I'm sure there's a less awkward way to write things. And why couldn't she just... raise the tail out? Unless its' mobility was permanently crippled by that crash-landing, I'm sure it's well within your capabilities.

"Kari what is that?" Asuna asked a little freaked out as she pointed at the tail in shock.
"My tail and before you ask I have no idea where I got it I guess I was born with it" Kari explained.

I feel like I see these pre-emptive statements in these fics a lot. "BEFORE YOU ASK ME WHY/WHEN/HOW I DUNNO SO SHUT UP"

"Take my car and I'm coming with you." Replies Asuna
"Fine" Kari said as she put her stuff in the car.

...So... you were planning on skipping town without telling your friends, but you have no qualms with them joining you? Why exactly are you being so secretive about it? you're not even telling your boyfriend.

-We're on the road to West City-

"Kari whenever we go to a restaurant you always get a appetizer and a meal and it it yourself, why?" Asuna asked.

...Because that's what you generally do at a restaurant?

"Let just say I eat more than ten to fifteen servings per meal." Kari said.
"How when you look so skinny?" Asuna asked.
"Tell me when we get there and I don't know I think it has something to do with my tail." Kari said as she lay down and took a nap.

Look, Kari, if you don't want to talk about your eating habits, that's fine. But you don't need to be rude about dodging the question.

"Ok Kari." Asuna said as she pulled out a wireless headset and places it on her cell phone.

Er, no, the headset goes on your head, Asuna.

"Jeriko, Honey, are you there?"
"Yea Asuna, so did Kari get surprised?" Jason asked.

I'm guessing the whole circle of friends somehow knew she was leaving, then? Why the hell was she trying to keep it a secret if it's so easy to know what she's doing?

"Jeriko can you look up Capsule Corp and see if they know anyone that may have a tail, don't ask?" Asuna said.

Nah, I'm gonna ask. Why are you randomly searching up Capsule Corp for that kind of info?

"Asuna I tried to find something but the site is so complex that when I try to find anything remotely similar to someone with a tail it starts up a red alert and forces my computer to shut the tab off." Jeriko said.

Sounds more like a virus to me. Or Capsule Corp seriously decided to tamper with google results for anyone that looks up Goku. For some reason.

...Why would Capsule Corp cover up Goku's existence, exactly? Even after several martial arts tournaments and heroic deeds, he's hardly some well-known, legendary warrior to the masses.

"That was just the bad news and you are right I did find some good news, Someone named Son Goku Fought in the WMAT and he had a tail and more importantly Capsule Corps may know something about it."

And so, CC's censorship was rendered completely pointless two sentences later. More proof that it never works, I suppose?

-Meanwhile, in space-

Passing the Dwarf Planet Pluto were two Space pods there mission is a mystery but there ambitions are no good. And they are heading straight towards earth.

So either Nappa and Vegeta are already on their way, or Raditz is joined by yet another OC for some reason. I wonder what it could be?!

In one space pod was a male body with a lot of hair wearing some type of armor. In the other space pod was another male this one had a short hair cut and blue both had strange devices on there right eye.

Well that's a super interesting way to end a chapter, I guess. "Here's two guys with fancy space monocles. I guess they're baddies."

What's the deal with these two males heading towards Earth? Are they friends? Are they new Enemies? Will Kari find the answers she is looking for? Will like the answers if she gets them? Find out next Dragon Ball F

The story already spoiled the fact that those two guys are up to no good,  Kyle Hebert. Nice read, though!

Well, that... happened. I'm not really sure what to say about it. The story's a bit bland, really, and feels nothing like Dragonball; no ridiculous, over-the-top fighting like Z, or even whacky silliness from the early DB era. Not to mention that the concept isn't exactly riveting, especially when you just give her brain damage as well. On top of surviving a spectacular crash that would've probably killed Vegeta.

So, that's that, I suppose. Guess I'll go buy Xenoverse 2 in the distant future and play as Goku's evil alter-ego turned good via a bump on the noggin'.