Saturday, 23 January 2016

Dissidia Final Fantasy: Self Insert Is Too OP, Please Nerf In The Sequel

Self inserts are not a thing I'm particularly fond of in my fanfics. Original Characters, sure, go nuts I guess, but putting yourself (and/or your friends) into the story? Uh... sure... can't see how that'll ever go over well, honestly.

Today, I bring you a Dissidia: Final Fantasy fanfic by the name of The Warrior Of Spirit, by Mistress Galiancrystal. In which the self-insert randomly enters the Dissidia world and is ultra super omega important to everything. Because of course she is.

The name is Cassie Lucis Strike, Cass for short. I am leader of a band called "The Gift" at Riverside High.

Man, I can see the coolness already.

"The Gift" has four people including me which is the guitarist, Axel Kendrick or as we call him- Ifrit, also a guitarist

Seriously? Your stage name is Ifrit? Were you afraid that "Axel" was copyrighted or something?

Fiona Lionheart or- Shiva, the violinist and pianist

Your surname is Lionheart and you go with Shiva. Rightio, then.

Leona Hikaru or- Sieren

Poor Siren, can't even get proper rep.

and the drums are Alexander Smith or- Bahamut

I mean, we can all see Bahamut being the drummer in any band, right guys? Also, including Cass there, I'm counting five band members.

and then there's me and the nickname is are our nicknames are the names of Final Fantasy summons you ask?

...No, I'm asking what the hell you just said. Couldn't follow a word of that.

The answer is that we are fans and they are our favorite summons.

I suppose it's good we're in a more progressive time were people that name themselves after game characters don't get laughed at openly, but come on, seriously? And what is Cass's nickname/favourite summon? Given that it was eaten by THE VOID, I suppose we may never know...

To give you an idea of what I looked like, I have dark brown hair that reaches mid-back with a fringe that covers my right eye [exactly like Cloud's hair]

So... does it just randomly spike on top of your head, is it more of a Super Saiyan 3 thing...?

blue-violet eyes, a Bahamut [F.F.X version] pendant on my neck [similar to Cloud's Fenrir]

...Cloud's motorbike? Oh, right, you mean thyat really obscure, miniscule detail hardly anyone would be aware of. Of course, silly me.

and a wolf piercing on my left ear and an angel wing on my right ear

Well don't you look fashionable, Clouphiroth.

 I also wear a black leather jacket, a navy Faded Glory shirt, Paris Blues black skinny jeans which are faded on the knees, and black leather boots [Lightning's boots but black].

Sure am glad I know exactly how each of those look by name alone. Just like everyone else in the world.

So as I walk home from band practice at Axel's garage, with my guitar, Griever,


 on my back and listening to some of the songs the group agreed to sing because the principal of the school wants us to perform on the Masquerade Ball that's coming up in the end of spring and the beginning of summer and the whole school is pumped to see who is the band "The Gift"

Wow Cassie, breathe. Calm down. It's not a race to see who can exposit the quickest, here.

 I'm currently singing "Whispers In The Dark" by Skillet while I walk home.

And with a small passage of the lyrics helpfully copy/pasted, let's move on from this blatantly Final Fantasy-ish song...

I sang on until I reached my house and unlocked the door just to see about half of the house is destroyed -and I mean literally- half of the house was destroyed.

What an odd thing to miss until you open the door. So... is it the back half? Cut down the middle?

 I dropped my guitar in sudden shock and wonder what kind of sick joke was this

...A joke. Half your house has apparently been bulldozed and you think it's a joke?

and slowly backed up and bumped into something, well more like someone. [overly-long detail expunged] and two glowing menacing yellow eyes that gave could give the Devil shivers down his spine.

""It's just a prank, bro." the armoured joker growled cheerfully."

This was no ordinary person, I thought, this was Garland, Chaos's right-hand Stalwart, Warrior Of Light's nemesis, and the very first Final Fantasy villain.

And the instigator of many forced "knock you down" jokes to come.

'I'm screwed.' I thought in fear and did what would Laguna do in situations like these. "Umm… h-hi there big fella." 'I am losing it here and I think I'm going to have a leg cramp.'

Hahaha, gotta have some comic relief in there, right guys?

Then there was a creepy silence that showed that either he was thinking hard or he was going to knock me down with that huge sword of his

Everything Garland stares at, risks getting knocked down. He is the Knockdowner, knock-overer of Worlds.

Also, Knock down reference #1

and I walked back very, very slowly where I hoped he didn't notice.

You hope that the giant armoured guy staring directly at you doesn't notice you're moving away?

-And then Kuja grabbed her from behind anf got an overly-long description-

"Sshh~ little canary," said a voice behind my ear. "And I won't have to harm you." My eyes quickly darted to a shattered mirror in what was left of the bathroom.

I have to say, I am very confused about where everyone is right now. I guess they're not hanging around outside, but the house is big enough to comfortably... house Garland and his sword? And which half got wrecked?!

This was Kuja, the Angel of death and Zidane's older brother. 'Great,' I thought, 'Who's next? The harlequin and the wraith?' I thought with a hint of sarcasm and guess what? Two more people came in!

And another thing - have the neighbours called the police at all? Tearing a house down is a wee bit difficult to do stealthily, and now there's four cosplayers hanging around, trying to kidnap a teenaged girl. Surely something about this scene seems mildly unusual to them?

-Insert Golbez's lengthy description-
Was he sorry of what's happening to a fourteen year old who may have shared some similar qualities as his younger brother?

Ah, yes, Garage Band Rocker Fanboy Cecil, so blatantly similar to Cassie here. It was an odd phase in the paladin's life, really. Probably because he was a dark knight at the time, I suppose.

-And then Sephiroth's not-quite-as-long description-
 I immediately recognized as Sephiroth, SOLDIER 1st and the villain from Final Fantasy VII who is famous for his theme, the One-Winged Angel.

Another detail that confuses me: If Sephiroth's here, why haven't they been flooded by legions of fangirls? Surely they would know at all times where to find a Sephiroth?

We then switch to 'no one's point of view' to see what Cosmos makes of the situation.

A gasp escapes her lips with eyes wide in shock and horror. "Oh no! The warriors of Chaos have reached the eleventh warrior of spirit." Cosmos then gets up from her throne and tries to think of a plan to get the warrior to safety, and out of Chaos's reach to aid her and the warriors of harmony.

So why is Cassie a warrior, exactly? I mean.;.. literally everyone in Dissidia has fought a crapton of battles - it's kind of the norm in a world full of monsters, after all. How is a perfectly normal teenager with zero combat ability or experience supposed to help?

 "I think I know how to get her to safety and to aid me in this war." She spoke and clasps her hands together almost like a prayer and starts to give a soft glow.

""Actually, if I needed this girl's help so much, why didn't I do this immediately?" Cosmos wondered aloud as realisation struck her."

-Now back to Cass-

Okay Cass, what can I do in this kind of situation. Is it a) do what Lightning did to PRISCOM trooper and tell Kuja that he's got a nice outfit a kick him where the sun doesn't shine and run like Hell's on my tail

...You mean that thing Lightning never did?

or b) let them take me to their leader or in this case god? Oh wait I know what to do!

Absolutely nothing, because there's no way in hell you can evade these four ultra-powerful fictional characters, especially when you're presumably inside a building that cannot possibly hold all four of them in one room?

 "As a make of fact I do have some words to say… Kuja?"
"Hmph?" the purple mage asks.
"Sore wa anata ga soko ni tsuita sutekina ishodesu (1)."


...'as a make of fact'?

Then plan "A" took action as I first elbowed him in the stomach, as predicted, he releases me but tries to grab my shoulders, then kicked him where the sun and moon never shined and he kissed the ground, whimpering from the sudden pain and ran as fast as the Flash can hope to run.

Behold the Angel of Death that tanked Bahamut's Mega Flare, destroyed Terra and killed the party, everyone. Defeated by a powerless fourteen-year-old.

Then the dark knight tries to knock me down with his sword literally

As opposed to... uh... a philosophical knocking down?

Also, Knock Down Reference #2

but I dodged with a forward flip and it was an inch or two away from my face.

I cannot even begin to imagine how this happened. Probably because I've been given nothing to work with, but still.

-And now... Sephiroth's PoV? Why?-

I am impressed about how this girl was able to take Kuja down with simple techniques – minus the fact she kicked him in the lower region and he's whimpering like the weakling he is

So in other words... not impressed at all, because that was her entire strategy, and you consider Kuja weak. You must love hearing yourself think, Sephy.

My turn, I thought with a smirk on my face for a quick five seconds and tried to stab her with Masamune.

Somehow, I doubt five seconds of doing nothing but smirking is anything but 'quick' in a kidnapping attempt.

She was able to dodge it until, I landed two scratches making an "x" on her left cheek and for a quick moment, she looked like an old friend of mine in SOLDIER, Zack.

I'm sorry you were referenced, Zack. I'm so, so very sorry.

Also, Square's strongest villain ever (Caius aside) was unable to land more than a 'x mark' on this girl's face? SHE HAS NOWHERE TO FRIGGIN' DODGE, DUDE WITH THE FIFTY-FOOT LONG SWORD

She then ran for the back yard ducking from Golbez's energy balls he threw at her.

Battle-hardened veterans struggled against these villains. Level 99 parties had to take care not to die fighting these people. Golbez took a meteor to the face and laughed it off.

Then all the sudden, she started to glow white and sky blue and looks at each of us for thirty seconds but her glare was lingering at me. Then I saw a quick image of my nemesis, Cloud with that same glare. '"Why does this look familiar?" I thought and she disappears in a white abyss.

She did nothing but glow and stare for thirty seconds. Aside from randomly setting up a rivalry with Sephiroth for no reason (I'm guessing major Cloud fangirl), you guys just let a chance to capture/kill her pass by.

-Aaaand Cassie PoV again-

When I was glaring at each of them, somehow my stare lingers at Sephirtoh the most. I saw that his eyes slightly widen at my look.

No doubt creeped out by your weird staring. Weirdo.

Then I disappeared in white smoke and appeared in a blue version of the Historia Crux from Final Fantasy XIII-2.

So for those of us that have either never played that game, or haven't done so for several years... what does the Historia Crux look like? All I remember is a fancy level selector and a lot of pink. Am I close?

That's when I started to hear "Sanctuary After The Battle" by Utada Hikaru

I mean, I'm sure the Historia Crux has its own theme. At the very least, the XIII series has plenty of songs to choose from. So why the hell are we dragging Utada Hikaru into this? Why is there a song playing at all?

-And after randomly falling asleep-

I woke up from my sleep to find myself at Order's Sanctuary. "What am I doing here?" I thought while scanning the area. I thought that Final Fantasy was just a role-playing fantasy rated T video game, but now this was serious and if I'm not then I die.

You just made Garland, Golbez, Sephiroth and Kuja look like a bunch of dipshits. Like hell you're ever going to die with all that plot armour weighing you down.

As I search for a sign of someone, I finally found someone and it was Cosmos, the goddess of harmony.

It's a fairly empty place. It can't be hard to see a tall, blonde woman sitting on the only object in the entire area.

"So you have finally arrived, Warrior of Spirit." She spoke in her soft, angelic voice. "Cosmos, why did you call me "Warrior of Spirit"? Because I heard it that from Golbez too." I asked with a lost look on my face. "It is because you can call spirits from ten other worlds and use their powers to aid you in battle."

Only ten, specifically. Not nine, not eleven, just ten. Conveniently so.

"Oh~. So why am I here?"

"...To call forth ten warrior spirits to fight Chaos. Also known as 'the premise of the fucking game' and 'the thing I just fucking told you about'."

"I understand your need of an ally, so I'm in this to keep balance to the worlds. I shall begin my journey." I spoke in a determined voice like the Warrior of Light and walked away from the throne. 

Why do you need to journey? Can't you just... summon them right now? In the safety of a place where there's no enemies?

"Hold on," spoke Cosmos and I turn around to face her. "You will be needing this." A she hands me a white feather that was tipped with light green.

Yadda yadda dangerous go alone reference reference.

 When I touched the feather with a small stroke of my thumb, it started to glow and something heavy landed on my back and it was Odin in his Chocobo form from Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII.

I have no idea if this is a spoiler or not for the game, but I was pretty damn confused until I looked it up, and it seems to be a surprise reveal, at least? I dunno, but there it is. Also, fuck Lightning, I suppose.

Oh hey, guess we found the answer to Cassie's favourite summon! So there's that?

The goddess giggled at my feathery problem on my back."This is my gift from me to you as a gift of good luck."

Yeah, uh, given the size of chocobos, pretty sure her back's broken. Good job, Cosmos.

 "Thank you Cosmos for this wonderful gift, I will treat it with respect." And then hopped on Odin's back with the hood on, ready to take off. "You know what Odyssey you want to start first?"

What hood?

More importantly, Odyssey? You're referring to things by out-of-universe names now, Cosmos?

"Yes and I hope I'm not too late. Goodbye Lady Cosmos!" I yelled with pride and took off.

And with that chapter done, and a painful self-congratulatory 'conversation'  over her amazing Japanese-googling, this was quite painful to read. It flip-flops being extremely silly and horribly dumb with the appearances, Cassie can easily evade capture by four godly characters, and is inexplicably needed to summon heroes and fight the bad guys. Because of course she is.

And it's been too long, so I can't even make a timely reference of a perfect 5/7 score. Curse you, Internet Time.