Monday, 14 September 2015

Kingdom Buts: But Then The Story Ran On But That Was Fine But Not Really But...

Well, to be fair, Light's Destiny - written by Keyblade Master of Light - is hardly the silliest title for anything related to a Square game. And this fic is re-written from an older story that the author evidently is not fond of. Well, all right then, shouldn't be too bad to read through.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Kingdom Hearts or the characters I'm gonna put in.
No flames allowed.

I will never understand this trend. You'd think the 'fanfiction' moniker would be a big enough clue about who owns the setting and all that.

In a strange ethereal place a young boy with blue eyes, dark brown hair with a big bang covering his right eye, wearing a blue short sleeved shirt with a white opened hoodie with black short sleeves over the blue shirt, dark green shorts with a star chain hanging from the left side of his shorts, and black and red shoes is floating down in the ethereal place much to his confusion.

I'd be confused as well, if the narrative went on a long tangent about my clothes during a freefall. Makes me wonder how the KH opening movies would be, if the song lyrics were just "And Sora wore bright red shorts, and a crown necklace, and massive, yellow clown shoooeeeessss".

"Huh? What's going on? Where am I?" The boy asked even though he's not physically talking but mentally.

This mysterious art is known as "thinking".

"So very much to do, so little time." A voice said and the boy looks around to find where the voice came from.
"Where are you?" The boy asked.
"The door is still shut. The time has come."

Don't you just hate rude, disembodied voices that don't answer you? Also, Protag here landed on a cloud, just so you know.

The cloud takes the boy to a floating rocky land and upon arriving the boy gets off the cloud and gets on the rocky land and while exploring but just weapons appear and they are a sword, staff, blaster, gauntlet, orb, scythe, whip, and a cane and the boy walks over to them and examines them.

I, uh... right, let me just process that sequence of events.

So, this guy's tutorial gives him eight different weapons to choose from, huh? Well, since this is Kingdom Hearts, this just means eight different ways to level up and learn new skills! If he's introducing so many, then these new weapons must play an important part, right?

The boy examines every weapon and chooses the sword.

Once More at level 77 it is!

"Is strength important to you?" The voice asked.
"Yes." The boy answered taking the sword and wields it backhanded.

"As the sword was not built to accomodate such a style, however, it was uncomfortable to wield, and was no doubt useless in battle like that."

Just then the rocky land starts to crumble and disappear but the cloud saves the boy before he falls.
The cloud takes the boy to a building and the boy gets off the cloud and gets on the building and the sword appears on his hand.

If he's getting off the cloud, we probably already guessed he was on the building. Not sure what he needs to get on for.

"You have the power to fight." The voice said.
"Now what?" The boy asked.
"Try swinging." The voice said and the boy takes a swing. "Excellent. Use this power to defend yourself and others." The voice said.

I like to imagine Enigmatic Voice is just being a sarcastic arsehole here. "Oh, you swung a sword. Now you can surely defend all the things."

"Okay." The boy said and just then a black phantom creature with crimson spiked crescents on its body appears. "What is that?" The boy asked.
"There will be times when you will have to fight. You must keep your light burning strong." The voice said.
"No problem." The boy said.

So is this just a shot-for-shot remake of KH1's opening sequence, except with dialogue that Sora probably would have said?

The phantom creature attacks the boy but the boy strikes at the phantom with his sword killing it but just then more phantoms creatures appear and attacks the boy but the boy keeps fighting back with his sword delivering a killing blow on the phantoms making them leave but one appears behind the boy but the boy turns around and strikes with his sword killing it but another phantom destroys the building and the boy falls but the cloud returns and saves him.

Right, okay, so... huh? The hell just happened? Was he just one-shotting them? Were they any threat at all? How was the building destroyed? What kind of building even was it?!

...What... what was the original version like...?

The cloud takes the boy what looks like a forest and the boy gets off the cloud and explores around the forest and he finds three people which are two boys and one girl.

"It took me five goddamn hours to find you guys! I am dying of thirst! Why didn't that stupid cloud take me straight to you!"

"The door won't open just yet." The voice said.
"Then what do I do?" The boy asked.
"Tell me more about yourself." The voice said.

"Oh, well... I like painting, and sunsets, and friendship, and I have a thing about spiders. Creepy little things, man. And I'm a Tauros."

-And then random questions are answered. It is exactly like the game-

The cloud arrives at what looks like an island and the boy gets off and explores around but just the island is being covered in water and the boy is trapped in the water but the boy emerges back to the surface

Sorry, I just need a moment to parse this before I continue.

but notices that the sky is dark and the waves are getting rough but the boy sees a piece of wood and gets on it but just then a giant shadow dragon creature with the crimson spiked crescents marks appears and attacks the boy but the cloud appears and the boy gets on.

That cloud is such a dick. It keeps dumping him in random places, knowing full well he's probably either gonna fall to his death, drown, or get lost.

"Do not be afraid." The voice said and the boy prepares to fight.


The shadow creature breathes black fire at the boy but the cloud dodges and it takes the boy to the shadow dragon and the boy starts attacking with his sword but the shadow dragon bites but the boy who blocks and strikes back with his sword and gets the head but the shadow dragon roars in anger and shoots black fireballs and the cloud tries to dodge but one of the fireballs get the boy making him fall

Hate to cut it off at the most suspenseful part and all, but... but. But but but. But but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but. I think that accurately sums up the rest of this, er, battle.

"Do not be afraid. You will be the one who will open the door and restore what is now broken. Do not forget your destiny and your purpose." The voice said as the shadow dragon consumes the boy and everything goes black.

Well that sure was an original dream. Glad it was something I could view any time I play Kingdom Hearts.

So, that was... a thing. I hesitate to call it downright horrible, since... while it's pretty much another example of ripping of a game's script, this at least isn't defiling canon characters in the meantime. Also pretty weakly written for a rewrite, especially with those run-on sentences that contain more 'but's than it does actual combat.

Not sure why it felt the need to include what was basically gameplay tutorials, though. Or add so many random weapons that, in-game, just determine what you learn at X level, and then go with a choice provided by the game, anyway. Strange.

Oh well, at the writer's earnest?